" If you love somebody and he doesn't love you back, just love the fact that he is somewhere, with someone , and that he is happy. "
I think I'll have to do just that. I am so so tired of fighting for something that doesn't seem to exist any longer, I am moving on with whatever pride I have left after a long and paintful fight, full of scars, moving on.
Everybody saids I should move on, give other guy a chance, that I deserve much better. This time I shall listen.
I took my neckless of today, for the first time in 5 months. Soulmates,ha? Nothing will pull us apart?
~You were clear today. Thank you.
Kat
He was lonely. She
was hurt.
He needed love. She needed the truth.
He called her out. She didn’t drink beer.
He was scared. She could smell his fear.
She wore a hat. He dropped a fork.
He tried to impress. She though he’s a dork.
He said she asked him out again. She said it was a lie.
He picked a boring movie. She wanted to die.
He smiled a little. She liked his gap.
He said he didn’t try to kiss her. She though it was crap.
He came to her apartment. She turned on the movie. It was romantic.
He hugged her real close. She felt fantastic.
She twisted and turned. They finally kissed.
He said:"we finally did it". She thought the moment was missed.
He went to her bedroom, lied on her bed.
They kissed and fell a sleep, she stopped feeling sad.
They became a couple. She opened her heart.
He loved her back, right from the start.
They both worked hard. She counted the hours.
She made him dinners. He sent her flowers.
They loved sleeping together, it was their favorite thing.
They both felt this will be much more than a fling.
He needed love. She needed the truth.
He called her out. She didn’t drink beer.
He was scared. She could smell his fear.
She wore a hat. He dropped a fork.
He tried to impress. She though he’s a dork.
He said she asked him out again. She said it was a lie.
He picked a boring movie. She wanted to die.
He smiled a little. She liked his gap.
He said he didn’t try to kiss her. She though it was crap.
He came to her apartment. She turned on the movie. It was romantic.
He hugged her real close. She felt fantastic.
She twisted and turned. They finally kissed.
He said:"we finally did it". She thought the moment was missed.
He went to her bedroom, lied on her bed.
They kissed and fell a sleep, she stopped feeling sad.
They became a couple. She opened her heart.
He loved her back, right from the start.
They both worked hard. She counted the hours.
She made him dinners. He sent her flowers.
They loved sleeping together, it was their favorite thing.
They both felt this will be much more than a fling.
He always worked
late. She waited awake.
He was always tired. She gave him a break.
She light up many candles sprinkled roses and wrote a song.
He walked in surprised and just stood there for so long.
They kissed a lot and became one.
They said "I love you", and so it began.
The love was born, the months flew by, they both walked on the cloud nine.
He said she was his one and only. He said he really cared.
She trusted him completely. She handed her heart to him, she stopped being scared.
They visited each other families. They started making plans.
He told her to keep believing. She gave it a chance.
They wanted to have an apartment, a real dog and even one January born son.
Of course none of that until the saving phase is done.
The long distance started. She waited and kept hoping.
He wanted to end it. The relationship started dropping.
Her birthday was lonely. She cried for days.
He called her, and said there might be the ways.
He was always tired. She gave him a break.
She light up many candles sprinkled roses and wrote a song.
He walked in surprised and just stood there for so long.
They kissed a lot and became one.
They said "I love you", and so it began.
The love was born, the months flew by, they both walked on the cloud nine.
He said she was his one and only. He said he really cared.
She trusted him completely. She handed her heart to him, she stopped being scared.
They visited each other families. They started making plans.
He told her to keep believing. She gave it a chance.
They wanted to have an apartment, a real dog and even one January born son.
Of course none of that until the saving phase is done.
The long distance started. She waited and kept hoping.
He wanted to end it. The relationship started dropping.
Her birthday was lonely. She cried for days.
He called her, and said there might be the ways.
She had to find a way to be with him. She tried everything she could.
He was scared to make a change. She prayed that he loved her and he would.
He let her visit him and he waited for her to leave. He ended it again, he ended it and run.
Her heart is broken, she cries every night, she though he was the one.
Finally it is here! Since early this summer I have patiently counting the hours, crossing out the days and ripping out the month pages on my fancy Paris calendar and finally there it came –the December! The picture on the page was of the Eiffel tower with a young couple kissing right under it and snow all around them…all over the part of the page where the days are marked I wrote: "2 weeks with Ante! Yaaaay! (with little hearts all around it)"ouhh I can't even tell you how eager I was for the 20th of December to finally come!
Work was stressful, I traveled some, had a lot of deadlines but I did everything fast thinking, if I hurry up, the days would go by faster as well. The anticipation was growing, I slept through weekends, the number of my weekly visits to the gym at least tripled, I waxed my legs and endured excruciating pain, did my nails, went tanning regularly and was completely packed a week ahead of time, all wishing to finally, finally spend some long waited and definitely much deserved time with my boyfriend. Two whole weeks, I thought! Days and nights- just a two of us! Yaaaay, heaven!
It is so weird how until you loose this privilege, of spending every night in the bed with the person you love, you are not even aware of what you are missing....until it is gone.
So, on the day of the flight I was particularly wired, and I didn’t even had coffee. I was scared of how am I going to feel when I see him, eager to kiss him all over, wondering if he will think I changed…a lot of things went through my head. Luckily, both of my flights were on time and other that somebody's freaking luggage falling from the damn overhead compartment on my head and cutting me right by my eye, everything else was fine. Can you believe that they said I cant even sue anybody for that?! But seriously, I was bleeding and the rude stewardess said there is nobody for me to sue! I said, "Come on! At least let me sue the airline!" Anyways, no scare, so I guess it is whatever.
All in all, I had a lot of fun on my two weeks vacation, it was challenging and all considering the whole situation, with my boyfriends mum being with us and all of my questions I had going there remained unanswered. Especially the big one, how long this whole long distance thing will last…but I did realize that I am the one who is able to decide on that as well, so I do have power as well, and I also got to know my boyfriend better in different situations. We fought and discussed our open ended discussion in circles, I cried and felt mislead, I felt as if he has been playing with me this whole time, we had fun and lought, in fact, spending time with him this past two weeks I laugh more than even before, he made me laugh so hard I cried, we both did.
We played games walking to movies and he hauled like a wolf walking down the street, while I was jumping around and dancing around him. It felt amazing waking up next to him every morning, and we kept our routine of me frantically half a sleep smacking all three alarm clocks and him grabbing my hands trying to stop me and hugging me to go back to sleep.
We are a great couple, him and I, we both work hard, have the same aspirations for the future (dog Duje, kids and all) and are equally afraid of getting hurt, but the good thing is that we also still both believe, and trust we will make it through all of this and make all of our dreams eventually come true.
He is truly caring, honest, respectful and getting more relaxed with me as time goes by, so this time being away from one another hasn’t damaged us as much as I expected it would. I still love him, even more than ever, I certainly admire his persistence and motivation, have more understanding for his needs, but I also trust he will make a right decision once the time for him comes to. I to might decide to take a different route, but one thing I know for sure, this man is worth of waiting for, and if we for some reason do not work out as a couple, I would always want him to stay a part of my life, because he does complete me, he makes me happy every second I spend with him and I do hope for a chance to give it a try on a real life with him.
Leaving NY I felt my soul detaching from my body on that airport and my heart going right with it, running after him and grabbing his hand, while my body continued with tears rolling down my face through the check in, and into the plain. It was hard, it still is, but we will make it.
Happy and better New 2009.Year to you all!
Xoxo,
Kat
We are a great couple, him and I, we both work hard, have the same aspirations for the future (dog Duje, kids and all) and are equally afraid of getting hurt, but the good thing is that we also still both believe, and trust we will make it through all of this and make all of our dreams eventually come true.
He is truly caring, honest, respectful and getting more relaxed with me as time goes by, so this time being away from one another hasn’t damaged us as much as I expected it would. I still love him, even more than ever, I certainly admire his persistence and motivation, have more understanding for his needs, but I also trust he will make a right decision once the time for him comes to. I to might decide to take a different route, but one thing I know for sure, this man is worth of waiting for, and if we for some reason do not work out as a couple, I would always want him to stay a part of my life, because he does complete me, he makes me happy every second I spend with him and I do hope for a chance to give it a try on a real life with him.
Leaving NY I felt my soul detaching from my body on that airport and my heart going right with it, running after him and grabbing his hand, while my body continued with tears rolling down my face through the check in, and into the plain. It was hard, it still is, but we will make it.
Happy and better New 2009.Year to you all!
Xoxo,
Kat
It was a while since I have written a fresh post, since than I
have landed a new grown up and responsible job position. Position is very
promising in terms of career growth and pay. Great! So what’s missing?
Well, New York is missing that is what. Here I don’t mean a
City. When I say New York is missing than I mean: glam, posh people, Rugby
crew, rush, Skim Peppermint Mocha, Ante and I on a boat ride around Manhattan
or in the bed being lazy on Sunday afternoon in Astoria. Ahhh….
Once again I am faced with the long distance curse, it is going
on and on and on….will it ever end? I sure hope so. I am in “Dangerously in
Love” mood and my friends Armina and Anita are suggesting thinking “Me, Myself
and I”…and I am trying to find a balance.
When it comes to balance I feel like one thing that would help
to achieve it, is to do a detailed clean up in a social department. This means
to prioritize and appreciate more my own precious time, and choose whom to give
it to. This is how I see it. We all are given one little, short life to live.
In this short life we are given a full freedom to use it to the best of our
imagination and ability.
Most of us get so absorbed with what is society (family,
friends, community, neighbors...) expecting from us to do or who to be, that we
are loosing the power of critical thinking and creativity, we stop questioning
what is really what we want from our life and who we really want to be. Next,
we compromise and accept less than what was originally planned. This, my
friends leads to becoming – ordinary. In the fashion lingo: little black dress,
red lipstick and pearls = very Coco Chanel, classic but unique, just a black
dress = boring and ordinary.
Now, one would ask, what is wrong with being ordinary…living a
decent life, accepting the average job, average salary, average apartment,
boyfriend or husband and just blend in with the rest of the ordinaries.
The wrong thing is that we can choose to be unique individual,
not to compromise, not to take the easy way out, follow our instinct and take
risks, to speak our mind and live or lives to the fullest! Of course this
second choice comes with gazillion con's (heartbreaks, investment losses,
disappointments etc.) but it makes one achieve his/hers full potential!
This way you live your life and are not just an observer
standing in your own safe corner and doing your routine tasks, day after day,
after day.
After a sleepless night I feel tired and drained. My eyes are puffy and my face looks like a face of a five year old girl who's parents left her at the preschool for the first time and she doesn't think they will ever be back to get her, she was fighting and screaming until her face was all red but they left her in there anyways, and than she let go, and tired from struggle walked up to he huge window and just stanned there, starring at the distance, feeling the cold window glass on the tip of her nose.
When I got up to face the mirror, my eyes were big and dark, my eyelashes long and wet and my nose red. I stepped into the shower and cried some more, than I put on my black cashmere V-neck sweater, my dark skinny years and my converse sneakers, I grabbed my big black sunglasses and I-pod and just walked out. Even though it was raining the whole morning it was extremely warm for the first day of November. Headed to the bus stop I took a shortcut through the graveyard. A lot of people were there for the All Saints Day and it was hard to walk through, I lowered the volume on my Ipod. By the exit of the graveyard I saw a lady with a barely 3 year old boy lighting a candle and placing it on the grave, the little boy was standing a side reaching to touch the letters on the name board. The lady bent down to hug him and said: „Come on we are going home now, send a kiss to daddy!“ and a little boy lowered down his head and kissed the cold stone.
This is when I realized that I will be ok, that I was right, that my values are in place and that he is the one who got lost in the superficial world, searching for the wealth, fake security and perfection, living to fast to realize the chance he is missing.
This is something that happens fast, person becomes greedy and selfish, justifying his sacrifices with the higher goal in the future. While in the meantime he is turning his back to all that is real and wasting his precious time in peak years of his life. Life goes by fast, days fly like seconds, years go by in a flash and than all that is left is regret for not being there when the life was happening. Not being there to create memories. Not seeing your parents grow old, missing birthdays, funerals, babies being born, holidays, watching World Cup's with friends, all the happiness and sorrow. Not taking risks and fighting, not loving. Not having a courage to live.
All the most important decision we make which eventually shape and direct our lives are made when we are really young. Choosing the high school, college, moving abroad and adjusting to new culture, building your personality there and shaping yourself into a man/women you will be, starting a career and fighting for your status in the company,maintaining a relationships with friends at two continents, loving somebody.
All this we need to do while in the same time keeping our values and our head on our shoulders. Then, we have to make some sacrifices, which way to go, which path to take? How emotionally strong am I? What is that truly matters in my life? Am I lonely? Who are the people I can't bare to loose? Am I happy right this second? If not, why? Am I going to regret my decision later on in life? Am I taking the easy way cause I am scared to take a risk?
Ask yourself these questions and answer them truthfully, this is when you are going to know if your path is right. Look at the people around you at your work and you will see if your career is on the right path, is this the kind of person you want to become? When you come home at night and go to your bed, touch the space by you and ask youself is this who you want to sleep with forever? Pay attention to people you walk by in your neighborhood and ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want to live around and become like? Because this is what's real, this is who you are at the moment and this is the path you are taking. The person who is true to him/herself and brave enough can reroute and make that change right away. The easiest thing is to do nothing at all and stay passive observer of your own life, staying where you are, doing what you do, stay average.
Day: hot and miserable saturday
Emotional state: heartbreak( broken into pieces and doctors gave up on recesitating)
Guilty: knockoff who presented himself as an original
As Carrie Bradshaw said there are to L`s women look for in New York City, labels and love. I thought I found both. However, it is much easier to recognize a knockoff to experienced fashionista`s eye when it comes to labels than to love. Being hopeless romantic as I am I trusted, loved and cherished my New York found love. I cared for it better than for any shoes or a designer dress. I love it more than all the label pieces I have as well.
Unfortunately, when it comes to love there is no dry cleaning place, nor the detergent to clean it with, nor the store where you can return it for a brand new one or even the original, because when it comes to love pieces are unique. If you have bought a knockoff, trusted it to be the original, great quality and just what you needed and it ends up breaking and falling apart, there is nothing that can be done. Knockoff will stay a knockoff, that can not be changed.
So what to do now? You are left heartbroken, you feel disappointed, cheated on and miserable. Who`s fault is it? That is a hard question! Is it your fault for not knowing that this great looking, great quality original will quit on you the very first time it gets tough? Or is it his fault for deceiving you this whole time knowing that he is knockoff? But does it really matter?
At the end all that matters is money, right? It is the value of something you lost. I guess I found out what my monetary value is, how much am I worth to my "original" and that is what really makes me sad, that even love has its worth on the stock market.
~Kat
Where did the summer go?
I am not quit sure what is happening this year but I felt like summer has just swooshed by in a light year kinda speed. I vaguely remember snow this year in the City, meeting my boyfriend, having a spectacular two people New Years party with him and than it got warmer ( yes it got warmer in January!) , fashion week in Bryant Park, the showroom rush and than sum...and than ..mer was over! I just don´t get it, do seasons last weeks rather than months now?
Well, designers certainly recognized and are fully aware of the demand for "all seasons" fashion pieces. This was particularly noticeable in Fall/Winter 08 going on Resort 09. Due to the current situation in the global economy and the ever more visible effects of global warming, the fashion is changing and adapting to consumers needs for more affordable, practical and better quality fashion pieces, wearable year round.
On the other hand, when it comes to couture collections the rules of demand are not the same. All of the higher profile fashion houses (Dior, Chanel, Gucci, Armani, Ralph Lauren) have focused and adapted on their highest paying customers and most developing markets of Middle East, Asia and India. After watching the shows and showroom pictures I have picked my favorites for both Fall/Winter 08.
Fall 2008 .
My absolute favorite shows were Galliano´s and McQueen´s shows. I also loved Ralph Lauren and DSquared collections.
McQueen used his trip to India as well as British Empire as inspiration for this collection. McQueen showed great craftmanship, his model was Victorian punk meets British royalty and queen Elizabeth. I loved the tulle skirts, India inspired jewelry, beautiful Fabergé egg purses, interesting skinny trousers and "the prince suit", gorgeous knit dresses and beautiful "feather lace"fabrics. McQeen´s fabrics were rich and royal, he used red, white, black and gold fabrics made in India, beautiful embroidery and feathers. 
Galliano´s collection was beautifully insane as always. His scene was" a pastiche of a Rudolf Valentino-era silent-movie set"(Sarah Mower). I absolutely adore his houri pants, oversized head pieces, thirties chiffons, floral print dresses and coats and gorgeous free falling furs. The color pallet was wonderful (pale pinks, blues and burgundies).
DSquared showed vicious but wearable looks, I am sure Texas or Indiana would not be the best selling markets but it will be a definite success for New York as well as for many other fashion capitals in the world Paris, Tokyo, Milan etc. DSquared´s model was naughty secretary/librarian who wears fishnet stalkings, high waisted red plaid skirts, black fur, red lips and long leather glows. Batter return your books on time people! 
On the other hand Ralph Lauren showed safer but very elegant and timeless collection. I loved one shoulder velvet dresses, high boots in red and purple, precise tailoring, gorgeous leather belts and Ricky bags, as well as feather and leaves embellished pieces. The color pallet was black, white, red, green, gold and purple. In conclusion, Fall 08 Ready to Wear was artistically beautiful (Galliano and McQueen), timeless, elegant and classical ( Chanel, Ralph Lauren) and young and naughty(DSquared).
The trends are:
-Peplumed 40s style dresses and houri pants
-Plaid skirts and shirts, tweed
-Velvet/ shearling one shoulder dresses
-Silhouette skirts and coats
-Less is more philosophy (unless you are going for Diva Glam look)
-Black is a new black
-Minimalistic tendencies
-Futuristic caped jackets
-Funnel-collared furs
-High boots(red and purple is great)
-Chunky knits
-Feathers
Dress it up people September is behind the corner!
~Kat
Today is the day17 . of my prolonged stay in Croatia.
Update on "La Situation Miserable"
Bad stuff: 2 bad interviews the day after arrival, cancelled vacation plans, expired passport and awkward situation with some of my friends.
Good stuff : interview scheduled for tomorrow and analytical testing for P&G on Monday(WOHOO). My new passport will be done before the end of the month. My boyfriend is coming to visit in seven days. I read two books in past two days. I got inspired by one of the books I read and got an idea for starting my own business. I also discovered my love for French chansons & Édith Piaf.
"Full Blast"
The book I finished yesterday (the only one I saved out of my library left in US) "Full Blast" by Janet Evanovich & Charlotte Hughes is just what I needed to get me out of my "Attitude Miserable" and to get me going.
"Full Blast" is a steamy romantic adventure which will make your fingers hurt from speedily turning the pages. It is truly a one breath read. Not only this book made me laugh out loud, it also evoked many familiar feelings in me when it comes to family issues and romantic relationships. Jamie's (main character) fears and doubts of falling in love, commitment and letting oneself be lead by heart while risking of getting hurt, definitely hit home on so many levels.
I really believe that a girls heart can go through just as much before it breaks. Than, it heals again and covers itself with this glossy protective shield which makes it appear healthy, shinny and new from outside, and the girl moves on and lets it shine for somebody all over again.
However, when the second heartbreak happens, not only it starts beating slower, but the glossy shield breaks into tinniest pieces which than pierce the already tired and slowly beating heart and damage it to beyond repair.
Now, all this might seem just a bit over the top and dramatic, but I am PO-SI-TI-VE that this is what really happens to the girls heart.
So, all of you girls out there do be careful and doubtful, but first, go all out, take that first risk, let your heart get hurt and heal once if needed. Let it build its delicate shield and let yourself be lead by your heart, because it will detect that One person who will be mesmerized by its shine. That person, is the same person capable of breaking the shield and causing a heartbreak. But, if He doesn't.... than... Fireworks.
With Love.
~Kat
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