Photographed by Annie Leibovitz, Vogue, November 2009.
1. Carrying your baby in your arms or in a carrier ALL THE TIME.
I still do carry Anabela a lot but a lot less then during first 3 months cause now it hurts my back more because she is getting heavier. The result of my 'loving effort' are my super sore back, painful shoulders and a baby who refuses to be let out of my arms. Seriously, I even took her with me to the bathroom cause I felt bed to wake her up.
Rest assured, your baby will not end up becoming a serial killer or psychotic animal torturer due to lack of love and skin to skin contact if you don't carry it in your arms 24/7. Plus, you will not walk around with a hunchback like me after having a baby for only 4 months.
2. Spending to much time on mommy forums and Facebook groups.
In the first three months I spent most of my time in between nightly feedings googling random things my baby did to see if it's normal. During that time I google-diagnosed about 10 different conditions and illnesses instead of SLEEPING.
After reading comments of (not always) Know It All Mom, Dr. Mom, Organic Everything Hippy Mom, Mrs.Perfect Mom, I'm Just Commenting to Brag About My Perfect Baby Mom ...... the only thing I became was a More and More Confused Mom.
Most of the questions on the forums start with something like: "My baby is crying a lot and I am worried that something might be wrong" or "My baby has a fever/something on her skin"and then there are all of these comments bellow and I just wanna type "Call Your Damn Pediatrician Women!" I mean, the right answer could be anything from the baby pooped to a serious illness or physical condition.
I am all for supportive mommy communities and indeed there are many, but when it comes to your baby's health - DO NOT google it first. All least that's my opinion.
Never, ever do the lights go off with me thinking “I did it all, I have it all”…
can I ever? I don’t think so…this is the struggle of a career mom.
Susan Hang via Zanita
3. Taking your baby out of the crib into your arms when it wakes up at night.
After a first two months I learned (the hard way) to help Anabela get back to sleep when she wakes up during the night (she sleeps in her crib but in my bedroom) without taking her in my arms and out of the crib.
Anabela sleeps on her belly in the sleeping bag with a pacifier. She usually wakes up if she looses her pacifier, if her hands move or if she is to hot. I learned that if I take her out of the crib I completely wake her up and then it takes much more time for her to get back to sleep, while if I leave her in, give her back her pacifier, give her my finger to hold so she can feel my skin and gently shake cradle or tap her butt she falls back to sleep quicker.
Of course, if she doesn't go back to sleep, she might be hungry and then you need to feed her.
When I feed Anabela during the night I do it with very dimmed lights and without talking to her because I don't want to animate her. I feed her, burp her and put her back to the crib. I also do not change her during the night.
4. Not trying the same thing to calm your baby more then once.
If you would like your baby to take a pacifier to calm down easier when fussy, be persistent. At first I tried different calming tools and techniques only once and said, she doesn't want it, she hates it and I just gave up on it.
Later, I realized for Anabela no doesn't always mean no for good, it just means not now. I got several different pacifiers and realized she likes the soothing silicon one best when she is really fussy and crying a lot while she prefers normal pacifiers during night as it's easier for her to turn her head with them staying in her mouth.
Also, when I want Anabela to take a nap during the day, I tried to put her in the crib once and she started screaming so since then I always tried to cradle her to sleep in my arms and then place her in the crib when already asleep. This sometimes took hours.
One day my boyfriend decided to try to take the crib into Anabela's room during the day. He closed the shades, turned on the white noise and put her into the crib on her stomach right after she yawned after burping and gave her his finger to hold until she falls asleep, it worked. Now she sleeps a bit longer during the day which she never did during first two months.
5. Thinking it will still somewhat be a business as usual.
I know, naively I thought and still mostly do think I could can do some work with a small baby at home since I am anyways working out of home office. The truth is, even if you have an equal partner in your fabulously helpful boyfriend like I do and if you get a babysitter here and there it's extremely hard to find time to work efficiently along with doing regular house chores and cooking.
This kind of thinking results with what I call a double-face guilt. You feel guilty if you work and have someone stay with your baby for long hours and you feel guilty for not doing anything for your job (especially if you were a high tempo multitasker like me).
"Recent studies, conducted by Harvard Business School and the Wharton School, conclude that working women today are neither leaning in nor leaning out.
Instead, they’re choosing to lean sideways."
Patricia Garcia for Vogue.com
I still don't have this completely figured out and can't honestly say I am fully in peace with balance I currently gave but I am trying hard to find a healthy balance in between the two with main focus being on and majority of time being dedicated to Anabela.
The reality is, these days I am lucky if I have time to shower and wash my hair for longer then 5min or eat seated with my boyfriend.
The way I see it. There is time for everything in your life. You are indeed more peaceful if you yourself plan it. I had some time to build my carrier and focus on it 100% and now it's time to turn my complete focus on Anabela while maintaining what I build so far until she gets on her feet and starts going to kinder garden.
What do you say? Anything to add to my ever growing list?
Do share!
XoXo
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